fine.

This is what i get. Im just trying to mend things. Thank you very much.

Trust and Love

Trust and love, these two words seems to be the hardest thing that i can entrust myself to a girl after going through for what i thought which was bad 3 years ago. I got back a grip of myself as time passes and knowing a girl which i found very interesting to know of. She's very open minded and talks about everything which is available to talk about. Not knowing as time come and goes i slowly actually had feelings towards her and all but, i held it in because i thought i hadn't the qualities and all to be what a guy really needs to be. So as it goes it grew till a point that it became a burden deep down inside that it is hard to contain anymore whenever you're not talking with that someone. I have always feared rejection, not just rejection from an affair but also rejection from other criteria including being accepted and all. The first one wasn't so successful so i thought, "there's always a first time for it" therefore, i took the chance and asked those magical questions that may bring euphoria to an individual or at the same time shatter's them to tiny fragments of unseen dusts. As it comes, i already have a certain intuition which tells me that, "John, this is not gonna happen." yeah, it was right alright. It hit me. Hard. The bonds that we once shared of were never the same again from that day to be date. Till now i find it very hard to avoid her presence because i needed to move on. Alas, willpower failed on me i go on from time to time checking what's happening to her just like what i did with my previous one. From then, the thought of being particularly close to a female does intimidates me. I do not want to feel as i am again. I do not want to feel rejection again. Whenever i see the word, Love is used i think twice of what it truly meant. Giving all your full trust, sharing the weirdest moments that you had and accepting weird nicknames that one give is hard for me to give in. Am i that bad of a person to deserve this. I'm just waiting. When will i truly move on from this.

Merry Christmas

Currently the clocks shorter arm is pointing at 11 and the longer one is pointing towards 6, practically its half an hour to Christmas. My eve's has nothing much happening. A plain ol' day spent at home. Been looking back at my previous Christmas years and what i did during it.

When i was 13 and 14 there would only be one place that i will be at and that is Maple Story, yes i was a Mapler. Speaking of Maple Story, it has brought me a friend that i know very good off till today. We share our problems together and such, surprisingly he and i both shared the same shitty heart broken moments together this year so practically we were the emo brother's for a while but its great talking to him. He's from Penang btw a year older than me but its okay it doesn't matter.

Back at 15 its still the same Maple. But this time i had lots more real life friends playing with me like Lee and Ron. The best thing bout this is i remembered Lee had a huge crush on a certain someone and as you know in maple we could decorate Christmas tree's with alphabets and ornaments. Basically there was a scam that i edited one of the pictures of Lee's decoration and arranged it in such a way it said, "i love you *that special someone*". We got into a fight later on but were still the best of friends till today ahaha.





After looking at the pictures i realize that much had happen. I really miss those good times where we could talk till a new day's about to rise :') . And it appears i've known you longer than i expected.

Last year's Christmas Eve was spent with new found friends, Hannah and Hazel along with a special guest appearance, Serene! It was a great night i recalled. Got to know some new friends as well on that night. Later that night Kristyl and Adlene came to our place to meet up with their long lost bestie, Serene.


Oh i tried to make cards too last year :)



Finally here i am, year of 2010. Everything passed within a flash. In the beginning of the year i was so worried over SPM and now poof its over! Eve's quiet this year, a lot quieter, used to have someone to accompany my boring night's online. But, i guess, life has to move on. I feel an urge of tears wanting to flow out from writing this since the very beginning of it. Well, i guess i am done with this entry and looks like just in time for Christmas. Merry Christmas friends and readers :) . May your wishes be granted.

Freedom, almost but not quite.

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